Unboasting (Part 2)

Last week I posted Part 1 of my unboast, where I talked about how I recently ended up at the bottom of a bottomless pit. Now I get to talk about the nicer bit, about how I - with the help of a fantastic set of friends - managed to claw my way back out of the pit. The way back up: The point at which I left off was the torture of dissertation deadlines: I felt so utterly rotten and useless; I’d been given more than a year in which to finish the larger of the two, and I still ended up needing an extension. I then began to question whether I had made the right decision in opting to do a dissertation in lieu of exam for my Shakespeare module. I knew everything I needed to write; it was all there in my head, all in plain sight. It was like looking through a window, behind which was the solution to everything. Except, there was no way to actually access it. I knew it was there, but I could not for the life of me work out how to extract it and fashion it into an essay. I’ve written before about having brain fog, but what I was experiencing while I was trying to finish my dissertations was on another level entirely. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and when I did try to force myself to concentrate on writing, I would start spiraling into a panic attack. Several times I found myself feeling like giving up, and then guilt-tripping myself for failing so badly at the last hurdle. Luckily for me, I have some incredible friends who were able to say what I needed to hear at the right times, to give me enough to keep going a little longer. I guess this is probably going to sound like an award acceptance speech, but I feel like I should thank those people. There are four in particular who were amazing, and they all helped in different ways. So first up was the boss lady, who kept checking up with me to see how much further I’d got, and to force me to get up out of my seat and speak to my department about the problems I was having. Then the bff, who reminded me that I didn’t actually *have* to do anything; if I wanted to I could just stop and not do any more. This sounds like a very backwards sort of advice in this situation, but for some reason, that knowledge that I wasn’t obliged to do anything, helped me to carry on. Next, there is my amazing friend, the internet queen, who proof read and kept reminding me that she believed in me and my ability to finish what I started. And last, but certainly not least, is the gym buddy, who gave me a few metaphorical clips round the ear, and told me to buck my ideas up enough times that I actually did :) I do feel like this is a bit of a cop-out post, because it wasn’t really through my own efforts that I managed to crawl back out of the pit of despair, but because of my amazing friends knowing what to say at just the right times. But I don’t feel like I can claim responsibility for something that I didn’t do much for myself. So to everyone, thank you. You’ve all helped me to get through it, and to learn things about myself that I should probably have already known, or was ignoring…

Unboasting (Part 1)

I’m not quite sure if unboasting is a thing, but if it is, that’s what I’m doing. Since my last proper post (ignoring the reblogging of adorable and uplifting motivational stuff), I have reached the bottom of the bottomless pit of despair, and I have (with the help of some VERY special and lovely friends) managed to claw my way back out of it. The way down: I don’t cope very well with stress and I have known this for a long time; however, I also work at my best when I am under pressure. I saw a graph the other day on here that illustrates it perfectly. A few months ago I had to make the decision to defer my graduation until later in the year (I was supposed to finish my degree in May and graduate in July; I ended up finishing my degree on Wednesday, get my results mid-September, and I’ll be invited to next year’s graduation ceremony), so my 10,000 word dissertation wasn’t due until 1st August, instead of the original date in late April. I also made the decision to do a dissertation in lieu of exam for one of my modules (Shakespeare), which was also deferred until 1st August. When it came to August 1st, I was panicking like crazy; I barely had half the 6,000 words I needed for the Shakespeare dissertation, and I still needed about 1,000 for the other one. Thankfully, my department took pity on me and extended the deadline until Monday, when I successfully handed in my main dissertation, and then again until Friday, and once more until the following Monday for the Shakespeare dissertation. The problem? Every time I sat down and started trying to write, I started to panic. I was so useless, why was I even bothering trying to write this thing when it was all bullshit anyway? I still had so much to write, and not enough time to do it in. I kept calculating in my head over and over how many words I would have to write per day, per hour, per minute, to get the job done, and the answers always made the prospect of finishing look bleaker and bleaker and bleaker. I found a temporary solution to this problem. Stop writing; buy ice cream; feed face; stare into bottom of empty tub; cry. It ended up taking me a whole week to write 500 words. That’s just over 70 words per day. This was really, really bad. I felt like I would never see the end of it, and all I could hear going round in my head, over and over, was Useless. Worthless. Stupid. Failure. And then, in my aunty’s voice, This Is Important. You Must Do This. You Must Finish This Thing. Then back to my scathing internal monologue, Failure. Disappointment. Then, probably because of the stress, the lack of sleep and the overindulgence in ice cream, coffee and energy drinks, my MS symptoms started to flare up. They were having a great party! My right eye decided that it had seen the left eye doing its little jive, and it wanted to give it a try. Then they both decided they’d work together on it, and leave me with double vision for a bit. That was the point at which I reached the bottom of the bottomless pit.



via Tumblr http://i-am-not-ms.tumblr.com/post/59096374146/unboasting-part-1

Boast Update...

I think I might have to start making this boast thing a thing now… I decided not to go swimming this morning, despite getting up early enough, because I was going to go to aqua this evening. But I still wanted to do *something* because my body just felt like it needed me to do something to wake up properly. So I road-tested my new yoga mat (not literally…), following the cute bunneh’s yoga sequence instead (I only managed to do it twice, but I figured that’s not that bad since I’ve never done yoga before). I am *so* glad I am getting back into my old old sleep pattern, where I actually wake up at a respectable time in the morning, and I feel alive! instead of half-dead. I really hope this keeps up. I mean, I’ve only been wishing for it since I lost my sleep pattern working stupid hours at a hotel while I was at college in 2008/9… Didn’t go to aqua in the end because my sudden CREATIVITY DRIVE ACTIVATION happened and I have two weeks to finish two dissertations, so… But yeah, I still did something, so I’m happy anyway. :)



via Tumblr http://i-am-not-ms.tumblr.com/post/55714585118/boast-update

I'm not boasting, honest!

Ok maybe I am a little bit, but I think I have a right to be quite proud of myself right now. I actually managed to get up early enough today, that I had time to go to the gym and do a 45 minute workout before work. O_O I am still a little in shock at this… I’m going to try and do the same tomorrow, but swim instead….



via Tumblr http://i-am-not-ms.tumblr.com/post/55598201388/im-not-boasting-honest

Synchronising the Things

So I did say that I was going to run the Blogger and the Tumblr pages side by side for a bit, but then I got busy and forgot, so... it's got a little behind on that score. But hopefully now I've worked out how to get them to synchronise automatically. With a little bit of luck and a following wind, you won't be able to really see the difference between a post that I've posted on here, and one that's synchronised from Tumblr, but I'll have to see how it ends up working out and then fiddle with it a bit more when I know what's what.

I haven't found a way of easily synchronising posts I've already put on Tumblr onto here though, so I've used a feed which is just over to the right there >>>>>> so you can click through the links if you want to catch up. I'm quite proud of some of my more recent posts from Tumblr, so I'd really like it if you did decide to catch up on where I'm at.

I'm also starting another blog project with a friend soon, which should hopefully be quite good. It'll be focusing more on mental and physical wellbeing rather than MS specifically, but it will probably still be relevant to this blog. I'll set up another IFTTT rule to feed it into this one (or I'll reblog them on tumblr and that'll feed in. I don't know quite how it'll work just yet...).

Over and out!

The Energy Bank

Imagine, if you will, that Energy is your body's currency. Unlike ordinary money, you can't save up for a special occasion or a rainy day; instead, you receive a fixed daily allowance. You do, however, have an overdraft, the interest for which is extortionate, and the terms require you to repay the debt over the next few days+. This means that if you have used your Energy overdraft, you will often have significantly less Energy in your daily allowance for one or two days after.

You must use Energy to pay for everything you do throughout the day; this includes trivial tasks such as getting out of bed, cleaning your teeth, and preparing your meals. Eating well provides you with a small return for your Energy investment. spent preparing the meal. Naps are a slightly higher risk investment, since you must also invest Time, and your Energy return is not necessarily larger than or equal to your Time and Energy investment. Occasionally, the Energy bank shortchanges you and gives you less Energy in your daily allowance than you would normally have. Those days are usually bad days.

Every so often, you receive a bonus in your Energy allowance which you can use to complete extra tasks during the day, which would normally be too expensive. As with your normal daily allowance, if you don't use it, you lose it. There is some evidence to suggest that the healthier/more physically fit you are, the higher your daily allowance is; however, this does also require a bit of a gamble, as exercise can be very expensive.  Especially if, like me, you have never been particularly fit. 

The majority of customers banking with the Energy Bank receive quite a sizeable allowance, and rarely need to make use of their overdraft. More often than not, it is only used for things such as jetlag and special events such as weddings, birthdays or New Year's parties. There are, however, a significant number of people who, for one reason or another, receive a significantly smaller allowance. Most will suffer from long term illnesses such as MS or ME; people with depression, or on long term medication; and even insomniacs and shift workers.

The Saga Continues - Lights are Blinding My Eyes (post 6)

Date: July-September 2010

Age: 20-21

 A week after I start my DMT, I go on a 3 week residential course at Lancaster, in preparation for university in the autumn. My 21st birthday falls on the first Saturday, so I arrange to take the train home for my birthday weekend. A couple of days before my birthday, I get a stabbing pain behind my left eye, and I notice that if I cover my right eye, most of my vision has been replaced by a grey blur. This causes a lot more problems than one would imagine, besides the lack of vision... For one, my depth perception abilities take a nose-dive.

Despite the agonising pain behind my eye, and the loss of vision, I manage to get home in one piece on the train on Friday night. On Saturday, my 21st birthday, my aunty's managed to book me a last minute appointment at the optician's. The optician rearranged her other appointments, and worked through her lunch so that she could make room for me. When I get there, she spends almost an hour with me, doing every test available to her. She says she has a good idea what the problem is, but she wants to call a colleague of hers who is an ophthalmologist at one of the local hospitals, to get a second opinion.

She rings me later, to ask me to come back and see her again. She does a couple more tests that her colleague suggested to her, then she confirms that it is very likely that it's Optic Neuritis, which is quite common in MS, and usually clears up of its own accord within 4-6 weeks. She advises me to just take normal anti-inflammatory painkillers, but to see my doctor if it takes longer than 4-6 weeks to get better, of it gets worse.

As predicted, the optic neuritis goes away of its own accord within the 4-6 weeks that my optician stated. I don't think anything of it until the very end of August, when I notice that it's come back again. This time my optician recommends that I speak to my MS Nurse, who tells me to go to my GP, and request a course of steroid treatment. I'm already running late for my engagement dinner, but I decide that it's not worth putting it off until tomorrow, and I go to the doctor's. The GP writes out a letter for me to take to A&E, explaining what I need. I ring my parents to say I won't be able to make it to the restaurant.

After waiting in A&E for a not inconsiderable length of time, I get taken down to the Medical Assessment Unit, to wait for someone to hook me up to a drip. They eventually get round to seeing me at about midnight (I have been there since about 5pm by this point), and the doctor assures me that the steroids will stop me from sleeping, and will make me feel euphoric. As they get ready to wire me up, the squeamish fiance runs away, leaving me on my own.

I wake up in the early hours of the morning, freezing cold, and still attached to the now empty drip. I continue to doze for a few hours, until the ward consultant does his rounds in the mid-morning. He tells me that I need to take my condition more seriously, and chastises me for having left it so long before coming to the hospital about the Optic Neuritis. I burst into tears, which he interprets as having got the message through to me that I need to stop being a silly girl who doesn't take her health seriously. The reality is quite different: I am so furious that he would DARE to make such an assumption about me, when he has no idea about the lengths that I have had to go to, to get medical professionals to take ME seriously. I am so incensed by his attitude that I cannot even speak. I am too busy getting things ready for University to be able to put a complaint in.